:-(

I don't know where to begin. I woke up today, and asked myself "Why am I still here?"

I'm not having as wonderful a time as I set out to. Certain aspects of this trip are nice, but overall, this is not what I signed up for. I was looking at the Polestar page today and re-read their "Come stay with us" section. The best deal is their apprenticeship program, which I'm on right now. What I saw in that initially was this:

"Come stay with us for super cheap and build all sorts of cool things! We always have ongoing projects and Michael is a contractor, so he builds houses..."

What it really meant is this:

"We are a super spiritual community, and if you want to stay with us, the best deal has you come as a work trade program! Do chores, help out around the place, and earn a keep to practice with us for cheap!"

So, not what I expected. I'm waking up super early, doing just menial chores and heavy lifting, and I don't agree with their practices. In addition, the weather has started to get to me. I fear I will have moldered by the time I return home, which is a this I really don't want to happen.

It's only a week, but I want to go home. I'm not ready for this style of community. It is too spiritual for tastes, even if it was my regular Vipassana meditation, I don't know if I'd be ready for this.

Today, I was sitting in the living room, and I realize that nobody's around. I am quite saddened by this, as it means for a third time this week, they've forgotten to include me in a trip. If I was one of 4 or 5 new interns to come stay, all of them new, I could understand forgetting one now and again. But it's just me here. So I was very distraught. So I walked back to my tent, and called mom.

After a brief talk, her connection cut out and for the next few minutes I just sobbed into my pillow. This has not been a good day.

I'm considering cutting my trip short, to end within the next few weeks. Enough time to see if I really want to stay. If next week is similar to this one, I'm out without a second thought. I feel so alone here, even though the people are nice, we don't have anything in common. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I REALLY don't like it in Hawaii. The place is fine, don't get me wrong, but I can't stand to live here anymore.

I came to Hawaii with an open mind, ready to experience everything I could. What happened is that almost everything I've done here has just grated down my sense of enjoyment, from the ENDLESS rain, to the bug bites EVERWHERE, to the terrible gardening chores, to the wake up time... The list goes on. This island is a great place to have a vacation, not for Harry to do work in.

I don't like being so negative, so I'll end this off here.

I miss home so damn much I'm crying as I write this. And I NEVER cry, if I can help it.