Realizations

I've had myself a bit of a think.

I've been trying to play this bog like I did my Argentina blog, but I haven't been very happy with it, and I've figured out why.

Nothing really changes here. In Argentina, I had a different adventure every day, going somewhere, doing something, seeing the sights. Here, it's the same, wake at 5:30, breakfast, work at 8, lunch, work, free time, dinner.

So just saying what I do isn't cutting it. I talked to mom today about it (had a super homesick day), and I'm going to start looking inside myself instead of outside... How I'm feeling, thoughts on events, things like that. Of course, when I do something fun I'll tell ya, but lets start tonight.

I was meditating tonight, and I was hit by a huge wave of sadness. Like, gut-wrenching, heart aching sadness. I tried to figure out why, but for the longest time all I could think of was not being in the Nordquist's Junior Dance Club. I miss the dancing every Saturday and Tuesday, I miss the fancy dress, but what I miss most of all is just being there.

Seeing friends of mine who are either still in the club or have recently joined post on facebook about how awesome it is just tears me apart... Not saying that I don't want them to post what they feel, it's just it hits a chord in me...

But that wasn't it. What it was was a supreme sense of homesickness and loneliness. The practice here is VERY Christian. Chants to "the lord" mentioning god, all that.

I hate it. I'm so uncomfortable with it, I can rarely concentrate on just being there, in the moment. It makes me uneasy and alienated, being the only one in the whole community who doesn't agree with it, and it kills me inside. I'm not sure what to do, but it's really hurting...

And that's how I'm feeling...